It's a classic protectionary front to cover up that soft gooey sensitive romantic inside. I roll my eyes at romantic comedies because they serve as the modern day fairy tale: unrealistic though painfully formulaic but I still watch them.
Joke's on me, I guess. Because I seem to be caught right in the middle of some twisted version of When Harry Met Sally.
An ex-boyfriend from four years ago has recently gotten in touch (see the post "I'm Gonna Write You a Letter. I'm gonna Write you a Book.") and informed me that he's changed a ton since we split, and wants me back in his life. WHAT?! Heavy insinuations that maybe we could try again if I happened to move to his city for grad school (where I AM applying, but STILL).
And I'm not in that place right now. I've had two and a half very serious relationships (we'll discuss the half at a later point...) since him. I've graduated college, moved out of my parents' house, gotten several jobs, lived on my own... I'm not the same person anymore. And don't get me started on the long line of people who would be outside my house, ready to kick my ass if I ever even considered it.
The thing is... part of me is totally heartbroken over it. Because this is Ben. He flew across an ocean to be with me when we weren't even dating. He's "a real sucker for a grand sweeping gesture." In his words, "I burn bridges and then I swim across rivers. Once you're in my life, you're in my life." And part of me wants so badly to get caught up in the romanticism of it all. What a great story! What an epic adventure! It's cinematic, it's drama. It's everything I typically gravitate towards in life.
But I was there when we made out a little a few weeks ago. I was present and in that moment... and I can say... that I didn't really feel that much. The spark is gone. I haven't been sitting around for three and a half years thinking, "Damn, if only Ben and I could get back together. We could really make it work." or even "I'll always be in love with Ben." Not that it doesn't take two to wreck a relationship, but I definitely place most of the blame on him. And he places the blame on himself. The timing was shitty, our lives were too different, and compromise was an incomprehensible and strange Japanese-sounding word to him. So he has a lot of regret... and hasn't had another relationship of that caliber since. And... maybe has reached a rough point in life, and wants to fix something.
I don't know.
It's a lot of details. A lot of little things adding up to this crazy out of the blue scenario. I should totally forget about it, and be firm. But what can I say? I've always had a soft spot for B. I want him to be happy. I just don't think that dating me for the THIRD TIME around will make him happy. At least not in the long run.
cheers,
v
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