I’ve only ever been on one other blind date, and it was a “set up” by a mutual friend. All other dates have kind of just been a realization, several weeks into “hanging out.”
Or rather, not admitting to myself that I am actually going on dates.
OR rather, obsessing over the question of “Is this a date or is it not.”
Needless to say, starting from nothing is new.
Is the art of dating lost on my generation? Certainly, my approach to it is unhealthy to say the least. I love the chase. Prior to said chase, I’m swimming in paradoxes of overconfidence, self-assuredness, self-doubt, hopelessness and apathy. When the target is attained, the game begins. Not mean-spirited mind games- just: I call you, you call me, I send my girlfriends a “draft” of whatever facebook message, text message, email I’m considering sending. Is it “breezy” enough? (The “breezy” episode of “Friends” will forever stick in my mind in this stage of a relationship.) Next comes “casually dating.” I will casually date the crap out of you until I wear you down, and you fall desperately in love. And they always seem to. In these situations, I am usually one of two things 1) also desperately in love/in like, or 2) just bored and in need of something to do. I am indeed an evil girl.
After the “real relationship” begins after the long, drawn out “what the hell are we” phase, it starts out great. Then the downswing happens, which we recover from. Then things are just fine for awhile. Then they get worse and worse until it’s horrible, and the only reason I’m still in it is because it’s really fucking inconvenient to break up, I’m terrified of being alone at this point, and can’t we just go back to the way things were when they were good? But you can’t go back.
I’m going on a first date on Saturday afternoon. I recently joined a dating website, and am interested to see how this works. Can I change the course of my own personal history in that I get to know someone through a series of dates, and make a conscious decision whether or not to continue seeing him? How does one begin a relationship without a drunken hook up? This is something I’m startled to find myself asking at the age of 26. Is this demand for maturity self-imposed, or a natural progression? The idea of smiling and saying “oops… walk of shame!” no longer has the same humor mixed with pride that it used to… and believe me, I find this realization deeply depressing.
I'll let you know how it goes! The date is tomorrow afternoon at 1:30pm.
xoxo
V
